Because Myrnin Wants To Go To Duluth
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: And when Myrnin wants something, Myrnin gets it. And, as usual, he drags Amelie into it as well. Crackfic. R
1. Going there

_Le crackfic for Dannie._

_Don't kill me_

_Please_

_**I don't own anything**_

_**And it's this date in England now, so yeah…**_

* * *

…

"Amelie, Amelie, look!" Myrnin, naturally, has bugged Amelie to the point where she has allowed him into her office.

And she already regrets this.

"If you dare to try and show me an advertisement for some car made out of _cake_ once more, I shall ensure that Oliver acquires your spending budget, do you understand?" Amelie, having been a little peeved at being interrupted on her 'oh I miss life with Sam' thoughts, snaps at Myrnin who recoils.

"That Skoda advertisement makes me want to buy a car, Amelie, which I believe is a necessary part of my rehabilitation – that you are making me do – into normal life," Myrnin sighs deeply in the most theatrical of manners, flopping into her spare chair at an angle. "No, I am here to unveil to you the newest location where my portal can go," he puffs his chest out because he's really proud.

But he doesn't have far to puff it because, although he's like super-duper strong, he doesn't have much body muscle. Which makes him look weak…which is more than sad.

Deciding to humour him, Amelie rolls her eyes but places her pen down, debating whether she can sneak out of her office for another trip to the graveyard soon or not. OCD woman to the max here, if anyone couldn't tell. "Pray tell _where_ this marvellous portal – which wasn't even working three hours ago, as far as I could tell from your frustrated phone calls where you insinuated the entire world despised you – takes you to, because I haven't the faintest idea."

Myrnin grins. "Do you want me to tell you?"

Amelie sighs. "If you must."

"No," Myrnin repeats, his voice hardening. "Do you _want_ me to tell you?"

Amelie repeats her sigh, yet with more volume. "If you must, Myrnin, if it is necessary for you to do so."

"_Do you want me to tell you_?" he snaps this time, unable to help himself.

"If I say yes, shall you leave me be?" Amelie picks her pen up again.

"Um…yes…"

"Then, yes, I would like you to tell me," she replies.

"It…_goes to Duluth, Minnesota!_" he screeches with such volume that Oliver, over in Common Grounds, prepares for an earthquake because he thinks it's the screaming of a dog thinking there's an earthquake.

"Why on earth would I want to go there?" Amelie responds, an edge of shock in her voice. "There's nothing at all there. I have much more pressing things to do."

"You _promised_," naturally, Myrnin pulls out the pout to try and get what he wants.

"When did I promise this request I have never heard before this moment in time?" she snaps back at him, wondering if Oliver would mind being a hit man for a day so she can get rid of Myrnin.

"AHEM!" Myrnin now clears his throat so loudly that Amelie, instinctively, jumps. "You promised back when I was ill that you would do what _I_ wanted to do on the 9th November 2011, which is what the date is today. And, _I want to go to Duluth!"_

Amelie sighs. "If I do this, frankly, pointless thing you desire me to do, will you leave me alone to be in a state of grief?"

After a brief train of thought (after all, Myrnin's brain is consumed with…him), Myrnin nods. "Yes. As long as you don't tell anyone that I'm letting you out of Morganville. It would be bad for the we don't leave strategy."

All Amelie does is look at him with daggers in her eyes.

"Let us leave then," she stands and pulls on a fur coat – the north of North America is _cold_ - before stalking over to the portal. "_Well_, Myrnin, can we leave now so I have a hope of returning before the sun goes down, or must I be forced to stand through your incessant moaning about what is going on?" sounding less and less like her usual self with every word, Amelie tries to pull a diva fit that goes down in flames.

Myrnin doesn't say a word, simply starts singing some national anthem that isn't recognised by Amelie simply because she's a patriot and only memorised the French one, before pulling open the portal…

…to reveal a dirt track.

"Are you _entirely_ sane, Myrnin, or did you lie to me so you could escape your hovel?" Amelie marvels in horror as she is pushed through the portal, which promptly disappears as Myrnin murmurs lovingly to it.

"I am perfectly sane – I simply wished for you to understand the outskirts of Duluth as well as the Lake Superior," Myrnin, without a beat's hesitation, continues, stepping forwards. "I believe it adds a nice cultural twist to the visit, which shan't be long, most unfortunately."

Then he begins to stride in some direction as if he's been living here his entire life (well, he _thinks_ he has…remember, not entirely sane vampire here) and Amelie follows in his wake, regretting agreeing to this because she may miss her nail appointment she _needs_ to go to before seeing Sam.

.

After about thirty minutes of Myrnin getting lost in all these woods – why Minnesota is so coniferous, he will never know – they finally emerge onto Lake Superior.

Where Myrnin promptly throws himself off the 400 foot cliff and falls to the water below, screaming all the way down before hitting the water with a splash.

It's very _pretty_, Amelie decides, with the trees and then the view over the Lake, and she wants to move here. It's not even that sunny and she's _very_ glad she has her fur winter coat because otherwise she may have appeared slightly odd, sitting alone in a silk dress.

Not as odd as Myrnin, however, who has trekked up the mountain thing to reach Amelie, absolutely sopping wet.

"Have you enjoyed yourself enough?" Amelie asks sharply.

"Yes," Myrnin simply nods. "Would you like to leave now?"

"I would, most certainly," Amelie's forehead creases as she remembers something. "One second, Myrnin. You say we are in Duluth, yet there are no dirt tracks into the town, nor are there trees…and, finally, there are no cliffs."

Myrnin simply shrugs. "I got to jump into the water, Amelie, and I programmed it to say Duluth, so therefore I presume this is Duluth," he is no longer bothered now he has gotten what he wants. "I'm hungry. Let's go home."

And whilst they walk back to the portal, Amelie wonders where they _really_ are.

They reach the dirt track and spot someone, Amelie deciding to ask where they are. "Excuse me, are we in Duluth?" she asks politely, knowing that first impressions are the most important – they were with her and Myrnin, after all.

The man laughs and shakes his head. "No, lassie, you're not in Duluth. I don't know where you are because I just moved here from a large city, yet this isn't Duluth."

And he walks off.

Amelie, now infuriated, checks her mobile phone (she has to have it with her at all times; what if Claire got into an accident?) to see there is no network coverage.

"Amelie…I may or may not have misplaced the portal," Myrnin's hesitant voice enrages Amelie beyond belief.

"You mean to say," she snaps, getting the hang of being rather bitchy now – maybe it's thinking she's in Duluth. "We – rather _you_ – chose to come here because you desired to visit Duluth. I accepted that and came along; I accepted this and watched as you got us lost before then jumping into the lake. I accepted that when it turns out we are _not_ in Duluth."

She takes a step closer to him and almost hits his face. "And now we are stuck in this mystery place _with no means by which to return to Morganville, in __**Texas**__!_ And I have no means to contact anyone. Is _that_ what you are saying?"

Myrnin blinks, swallows and nods. "Yes. That is what I am saying."

Amelie growls and sits down on the grass in a strop. And then she hears.

"I want to go to Duluth."

...

* * *

_To clarify, Duluth does _not_ have:_

_A dirt track into it_

_Forests_

_400ft cliffs_

_Portals_

_Amelie_

_Myrnin_

_._

_After that, please review._

_And I'm hoping not to be dead soon._

_Vicky xx_


	2. Coming Back

_for Danielle_

_I don't own anything_

* * *

Amelie stands up and begins to pummel the ground with her feet, ridiculously mad as she faces Myrnin. "I had _plans_ for tonight, Myrnin!" she snaps at him, tears beginning to cloud over her eyes because she's so mad.

Seriously, it's like watching a little girl find out her crush is already making kissy faces at her best friend.

"I'm _meant_ to be going out with Sam," she continues, stomping more and more. "We were going to eat some food and then we were going _dancing_ and now I _can't_ and it's _all your fault_!" she screeches the last bit at him so loudly that people in the middle of nowhere can hear her.

Well, even _more_ in the middle of nowhere because, let's face it, these two are already in the middle of nowhere and it's not like that is going to change any time soon.

"I can sort the food out," Myrnin pipes up in a happy mood, his expression evil. "I'll just go find that man and we can snack on him!"

Amelie hits him over the head before she clears up her expression: we can't have a happy Ice Queen, can we?

"No, we're going to go walking now," she yanks Myrnin to his feet and pulls on his curls. "Walk," she says, ordering him like a dog.

And so he walks.

.

As they walk, Myrnin repeatedly tries to introduce singing, because he _likes_ to sing. It stops him feeling icky because he had his little jump into the sea and now he smells of fish guts because he landed in a dead fish pile…and he _likes_ singing.

Well, he likes the sound of his own voice – same difference.

"Sing one more word and I shall castrate you," Amelie orders as he tries to sing we're off to see the wizard.

And there's the same reaction as he tries to instil a bit of the "we're all going on a bear hunt" book that Claire showed him the other week.

And when he tries, "we're all going on a summer holiday" because Amelie is pissed off with him and her summer holiday ideal is with Sam in Barbados.

Hey – a vampire can dream!

So they walk.

And walk.

And walk.

And walk.

"Can we kill that bird, Amelie?" Myrnin is too happy as they walk.

"No."

"Can _I_ kill that bird, Amelie?"

"No."

"Can we move faster?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because whatever you want, I don't want to do!"

"Can we go home?"

Amelie doesn't reply.

They walk for what seems like _hours_ and Myrnin is _oh so hungry_ because he forgot to bite Claire before he left, so he's not had a lot of blood today. And Amelie's being a bitch because Sam aint there and he's going to think that she's dumped him.

So she begins to cry as they walk but Myrnin ignores her because she doesn't care that he's hungry and wet and wants to just go back and swim in the sea but he _can't_ because Amelie won't let him.

Finally, they find a road and Myrnin flops down on it, which makes no sense because then a van comes at one hundred miles an hour and runs him over.

To which Myrnin responds by running over to the van and pulling the driver out, biting him and draining him. Because, well, he's hungry and he wants to eat.

Amelie sighs and pulls out the locater device on the van to find out that they're _not_ in Duluth.

"Americans are _so_ original," she mutters because she's still in Queen Bitch mode. "Myrnin! We're at somewhere called Castle Danger, which is near split rock, which I presume is named because there used to be lots of dangerous things around here!"

Myrnin retracts his fangs from the man's neck before throwing the carcass in the woods that have suddenly appeared and shrugs his shoulders. "I don't care. I'm not bothered. _You're_ the one who wants to go back!" now Myrnin is like a spoilt child.

Needless to say, Myrnin and Amelie going on exploring holidays together isn't the best idea and maybe he ought to take Claire next time.

Amelie huffs slightly before walking on and leaving the man who is now groaning about being _too_ full and is regretting leaving the water because he _loves _it.

He may as well be a water creature, for all Amelie cares.

.

Amelie stalks onwards and gets bored on her own, so starts to hum a tune called Dance with me tonight, by someone who Claire made her listen to because there was a little mishap with Shane's name on the banner to announce that he wasn't dead. Just something Myrnin did, changing the spelling to King Prick, rather than Shane Collins and then blaming Ada…

Then she finds a house!

"PEOPLE ARE HERE!" she screeches too loudly, so the window opens on the house and a girl with curly hair sticks her head out.

"HEY!" she shrieks back because she's got a temper. "GET THE FUCK OUT, BITCH, OR IMMA STAB YOU IN THE EYE WITH A SPORK!" and then she gets the spork out into her hand to prove it.

Amelie shakes her head and calls on Myrnin to her rescue…who comes galloping along beside her because he's used to her temper changes and he's also always wanted to be a horse.

Amelie decides to book him into therapy soon.

"GET DOWN FROM THERE, YOU RETARD!" he yells at the girl in the window who simply finds her bag and begins to throw ready made bombs at him. They're flour and water bombs, not _real_ bombs, but still Myrnin gets mad because he only likes water when it is the sea and Amelie makes plans to burn the girl's house down because she's really peed off.

"Who are you?" the girl calls down quite sanely now, throwing a ginger looking cat out of the window because it looks a bit homicidal. Amelie jumps on top of the roof of a car but Myrnin simply hugs the cat.

Two homicidal things together, Amelie presumes.

"Who are _you_?" Amelie replies with a question because she's badass and she hates giving out personal information. Seriously, she'd be a pro at being one of those "you must not give out personal information on the internet" people because she's so uptight.

"Danielle but you can call me Queen Danielle," Danielle says, throwing a plaque out of her window that Amelie catches, with the words:

**QUEEN DANIELLE OF DULUTH, MINNESOTA. TRY AND STEAL HER CROWN AND YOU'LL BE SPORKED!**

Amelie rolls her eyes.

"I'm not going to tell you my name but I want to leave so do you have any means to leave this area?" she replies to Danielle.

"Yes I have a secret tunnel under my house and that takes you to wherever you want to go," she replies sarcastically. "_NO_! I'm _not_ going to give you damned directions to get out of here because you're _obviously_ not from around here and you're probably not even legal, so ho, get out with your pimp because I don't want you round my house! Got it?"

"_You're_ the pimp…Amelie doesn't get paid for it, do children not know _anything_?" Myrnin throws in and Amelie decides to get a guillotine.

"I'm an adult now!" Danielle sticks her head up proudly because she's a bit high today. "Facebook agrees and _everything_!"

"Go away and never come back," Amelie sighs, forgetting that it is Danielle's house.

The beeping of a horn distracts them all apart from Danielle, who jumps out the window and jumps into a car. "I'm off to play on the monkey bars, so see ya crazies!" she yells as she drives away at two hundred miles per hour.

Amelie begins to bash the top of the car.

"Uh, Amelie?" Myrnin interrupts her periodic battering of the car and she sits upright. "I found the portal," he sounds sheepish.

"WHERE IS IT?" she screeches.

"It was in my pocket; I put it there for safekeeping."

She screams again and makes him put it out and runs through it towards the place where she said she'd meet Sam.

Instead, she finds him kissing someone she doesn't know.

And then she wishes that she could be back in Duluth because she's had her heart broken.

.

Meanwhile, in bed that night, Myrnin makes plans to go back to Duluth…because he never got to see it _really,_ did he?

* * *

_review please_

_thanks_

_Vicky xx_


End file.
